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I went to my son’s graduation from school and of course it was emotional. All rites of passage are emotional, but for me it brought up so much more.
I was brought back to the time when he started secondary school. My daughter was only a baby and I was in a horribly abusive relationship. I was in despair and financially, emotionally and physically, i felt trapped. I felt worthless. I had two ambitions, firstly to get my baby daughter baptised and secondly to see my son settled in secondary school. I honestly felt if I could achieve that I could go in peace. I remember in October thinking Alex was in secondary school and settled. In November, I baptised my baby and I sat on the pew holding my daughter and I looked around the church thinking the next time people would be sitting there would be for my funeral. I felt I had sorted out my responsibilities and could go.
Shortly after, I left my house with a bottle of wine and pockets full of paracetemol. I didn’t want to tarnish my children’s home by dying there. I walked around looking for a place to settle and die. Everywhere though seemed to be where children would pass on the way to my son’s school. I couldn’t bare the thought of a child finding me and being traumatised and especially my son then being identified as the son of the Mother who died under that tree. I temporarily abandoned my plans. I tried again, in my home, when everyone was out and ended up in hospital and on a hard but ultimately important journey.
Last week, seeing my son graduate, brought back those early days of his secondary school time. I was confronted by the journey we’ve gone through. I can’t deny that it has been hard, but I was so glad I was there. I know had I succeeded in my plan, my son would not have been standing there as the well balanced, hard working, intelligent and beautifully kind person he is. There is no doubt the last few years have been hard, but watching my son graduate was special, so yes, I did shed a tear on the day, but in the circumstances, can anyone blame me? I am glad I didn’t die, and I hope this realisation will help me battle through, if I ever encounter that level of despair again.
louiseinflight 
Hey Louise where all glad ur still here sure where would all the Laugh’s and slagin come from and you have two super great kids who love and look up to you it dosnt get any better than that onwards and upwards Lou
Thanks Dave, and don’t forget the very special circle of friends I have!! Blessed with a very special group of friends!!
It’s good to write about it. Unfortunately alot of people feel so alone, it makes the despair worse. It’s the first weapon in an abusive relationship, isolation.
When you write something like this, you reach out. You could reach someone else floundering like you were. I believe your writing is a gift, Louise, with far reaching benefits.
Slan x Kate