Ten years ago, I was at the worst point of my life. I had just attempted suicide, I was the Mother of a teenager and a new baby and I was in a toxic marriage that needed to end. I was terrified. I knew I couldn’t stay in the marriage, but I couldn’t see how I could survive alone. I had no job, a new baby, the economy had just started to crash and a mortgage to pay. I was emotionally battered with no self-confidence and no self belief. I did not think I could survive alone.
Then I got definitive proof that despite my fears, I had no choice but to go it alone with my two children. My husband moved out on January 6th 2009, and despite my fears the overwhelming feeling was one of relief. I couldn’t think of the future, or I would shut down. I had to take things one day at a time and slowly start to rebuild a life for the three of us.
I shed all toxic relationships, I had limited energy and a massive amount of work to do, I couldn’t give any energy to negative or destructive relationships, instead I focused on the relationships that enhanced my life. Change is rarely easy and to have to deconstruct your own carefully manufactured persona to find out who you really are is not easy. I had always wanted to be seen as strong and successful. It was so hard for me to shed this outer layer, to show my vulnerabilities and to ask for help. I did not realise how proud I was of the false image. I realised that while I always liked helping people, it came from a place of sympathy rather than empathy. Deep down, I had foolishly believed that I could never be in that place of need. One of the greatest lessons I learned this decade have been around empathy and being humble.
I had so many firsts that were painful, educational, but undeniably painful. At that point, I had never been inside a court room or a social welfare office. The first time I sat outside the Community Welfare Office I shed tears. By the time I was called into her little office with the protective glass and the plastic chairs, I was sobbing. I could not believe I had ended up there. I was ashamed and then I became ashamed of myself for being ashamed. Did I think, I was better than everyone else who was there? Or did somehow I absorb the subliminal message that all welfare recipients are lazy layabouts or fraudsters? I’ve had to ask myself a lot of uncomfortable questions and acknowledge my ignorance.
The many, many trips to the family law courts in Dolphin house were soul destroying. There is no dignity in Dolphin House. People are forced to wait in public areas and negotiations between parties are played out in public view. Anyone forced into family law courts are already in crisis. No words can describe the lack of dignity and the feeling of being forced to air dirty laundry in public. Inside the court rooms, the sense of injustice by all parties is real. The judges long lists are not conducive to a fair and considered judgement based on evidence. Too often, the judges make a quick superficial examination of the case, with preconceived ideas of how each party is presenting and an order is issued. Neither party truly feels heard. Courts do not help heal fractured families.
The last decade has been the toughest of my life, but throughout it I have grown. My empathy comes from a non-judgemental place now and I think I am a wiser person for it. I have surprised myself with my strength and I am happier than I have ever been. I have forged greater bonds with true friends. I have earned a Master’s Degree and I have a new fulfilling career. It has been a roller-coaster and one I could not have predicted. It was surreal to be headline news and to be called a whistle blower. I have found my voice and I am not afraid of speaking out against injustices and working for a fairer and more inclusive world. Ten years ago, I was so downtrodden, that I could not make a phone call. Today I am pleased to speak in the National media on issues that matter to me.
This time ten years ago,I had hit rock bottom and I was in the darkest hole. I was worried my little family wouldn’t survive. I was worried I would lose my home and that I couldn’t provide for my children. We didn’t just survive, we are thriving. I have learnt how to ask for help and accept support. I understand that sometimes asking for help is the bravest thing we can do.
I am working in a permanent job in a career I love. I am proud of my son for the person he has become. He has graduated with a degree and has a job he enjoys. He is happy and loving his life. My ten year old daughter is joyful and kind and all the things a young girl should be. Our bills are paid, we have a warm house and food in our presses. We have joy and love in our home and I truly appreciate all our blessings. After going through darkness, I am really appreciate where we are now.
Since I was young, I have always hated New Year’s Eve. I hated the idea that we could be heralding in a new year that could bring heartache. This year, I am looking forward to saying goodbye to my diabolical decade and waving in a new year. I’m ready for 2019 and I am full of gratitude for all the good things in my life. I wish I could go back to Christmas 2008 and let me know it would all work out. If anyone is where I was, please believe in yourself, take help, push through and you will come out the other side, wiser and kinder.